Nolan's Wish

This was originally posted on Bubblews in September of 2014.

My son Nolan always had a desire to help those in need. If he saw a little kid at the park, he would help him get on the swing. If a puppy was running loose, Nolan would try to find the owner. If he saw a homeless person, he wanted to give them money or food.
When he was around eight years old, he decided that he wanted to be a barber when he grew up. His reason for this? He wanted to give free hair cuts to the poor. This kind-hearted boy believed that to be his calling in life, to help the poor.
Around the same age, he became acutely aware of the needy that we passed throughout our day to day routine. We live in an urban area where beggars stand outside bookshops, on street corners, within our view on a daily basis. He always wanted to help. He started asking us if we would drive around so he could give bags of food to them. He would put together a bag with a granola bar and an apple, perhaps something else. If he had spare change of his own, he would give it to them. It didn't matter that he didn't have much of his own money.
When Nolan died, we included the name of a charity organization in our city that's mission is to help the homeless and others in dire need. Many friends and family donated in Nolan's name. I've also had several friends tell me that they have given a meal to a homeless person to honor Nolan's memory.
Although Nolan's life was much too short, I do feel like he touched the lives of many including strangers who will never know his name.
I was inspired to write this post about my son after reading a post by &jmichaelvaughn this morning. Here's his post.
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8144874-a-homeless-veteran
Photo Credit: my own +Nolan +HOMELESS +Afternoon-ramblings

Christmas Traditions: The Annual Ornament

Do you have many Christmas traditions?

It's my most favorite time of the year because of the rich traditions celebrated by my friends and family. 

One fun tradition is the annual ornament for each of my children.  I actually started doing this when I was merely an aunt.  My nieces and nephew were able to benefit from this fabulous idea and the fact that I was not yet a mom.

When my own children started to arrive, I was thrilled at the prospect of continuing the tradition with them. 

My five children have the following themes for ornaments:  #1 is planes, #2 is trains, #3 is rocking horses, #4 is birds, and #5 is Santas.

Some years I will buy them an additional ornament if they are particularly interested in something like a superhero or a Disney princess. 

A couple years ago, I changed the tradition just a bit by starting to give them their ornaments on St. Nicholas Day. 

The past two Christmas seasons have been tough due to the loss of my oldest child.  One thing I will always do though is buy his annual airplane.  He'll always be a part of our traditions.

Dating When Married

Well, it is official!  We can leave the children alone for a date. 

We left today for a friend of my husband's wedding at 4pm.  We did not return home until 10:00pm.

The children did NOT burn the house down.

The children did NOT call me or text me twenty times wondering when we would be home. 

I think we are ok with maybe dating again/

I think that we will have to figure this thing out because dating has been such a non-priority for the last 15 years. 

This could be a good thing.

Blogger Tag: I'm It

Well, already I do not know if I can actually tag anyone.  So my plan is to share this with my blogging momma friend mommykerrie maybe via email.  Here's her blog by the way:  http://www.thekerrieshow.com/

Here are the 25 questions for blogger tag. 

1.  Where were your born?  Well, I'm going to plead the fifth on this one because sometimes that's a security question on things.  So I'll just say that I was born on the planet earth.  K?

2.  Were you named after someone?  Nope.  no awesome story to go along with my name darn it.

3.  if you have question, how many do you have?   I'm the mother to five beautiful children.  My oldest child died two years ago though.  So I have to struggle through life without his precious self in my day.

4.  how many pets do you have?  We currently are on the low end of pets with only two cats and a dog.  The dog is huge though and is the equivalent of a grown man or four dogs.  Anyone want a new dog?

5.  what was your worst injury?   well, this may be speaking physical, but the worst injury I have ever sustained is losing my son.  my heart is broken and will never mend.

6.  Do you have a special talent?  eh, not sure.  I am a pretty good cook.  I decorate my children's birthday cakes and they look fun.  And I sometimes take some awesome photographs. 

7.  What's your favorite thing to bake?  well, this is tough.  I love a delicious baked pasta dish like lasagna or cannelloni.  I also love freshly baked bread.  Then of course, there are cookies.

8.  What's your favorite fast food?    I'll have to say Schlotzsky's.  I love those sandwiches.

9.  Would you bungee jump?  Um, nope.  I don't know if I would have back in my youthful days or not, but definitely not now. 

10.  what is the first thing you notice about people?  I guess just how friendly they are.

11.  When was the last time you cried?  Yesterday.  I tend to cry at least once a day since losing my son.

12.  Are you worried about anything currently?    Finances.  Just received notice that a monthly bill is going up by $300 a month.  That is about all extra we have.  I don't know how we will afford anything, ANYTHING, extra now.  and by extra I mean children's activities, homeschool books, hair cuts, clothes....

13.  What are three drinks you drink regularly?  1.  water (I LOVE water!)  2.  coffee (can't start my day without it)  and 3.  wine (not every night, but many nights)

14.  what is your favorite book?  I hate limiting this to just one, but if I must, I will say Les Miserables. 

15.  would you like to be a pirate?  only if it were in a movie

16.  favorite smells?   fresh basil and coffee

17. why do you blog?  I like to write.  I like to talk.  and I hope to eventually write a book.  this is good practice. 

18.  Do you have a song you want played at your funeral?  I used to say Dancing Queen by Abba.  I'm not sure anymore. 

19.  what is your least favorite thing about yourself?  my weight and my lack of willpower and my tendency to be lazy

20.  favorite hobby?  writing, photography, and knitting

21.  what qualities do you look for in a friend?  trustworthy, kind, fun

22.  name something you have done that you never thought you would do:  be a stay at home mom.  I was a career gal and loved it.  I had no plans to stay at home.  funny how things change.

23.  favorite things to do?  write, watch movies, read, drink coffee, yoga

24.  pet peeves?  women who gossip, dishonesty, drama

25.  what is the last thing that made you laugh?  i'm sure it was my children today sometime, but my mind is blank. 

The Relationship between Yoga and Anxiety

A year ago I was having debilitating anxiety attacks.  I seriously felt like I was having a nervous breakdown.  I couldn't function.  I cried multiple times daily because I felt so messed up.  Of course, aggravating my anxiety was my grief over losing my son.  It was my first year without him which meant my first fall, my first Halloween, my first Thanksgiving, my first birthday, my first Christmas.  And all of that was Hell. 

Because of my overwhelming anxiety, I turned to prescription medication.  It helped.  I managed to survive the holidays.  However, my brain and body felt like it was in a fog.  I felt like a zombie.  Sure, this was better than the mess I was before, but I didn't like it.  I didn't like that I never cried even when I felt like crying. 

So eventually, I stopped the anxiety pills. 

I had been exercising which helped.  Though during that time of my near nervous breakdown, I did stop going to the gym.  It was winter.  I was lazy.   Early spring came and I finally made it back to the gym.  Thankfully, I have been going ever since. 

Back-peddling here:  I suffered anxiety about five years prior as well.  I found that simply adding exercise to my life helped.  Of course, I wasn't dealing with the loss of a child at that point in time.  So the anxiety wasn't quite as overwhelming to handle. 

Back to now:  Exercise was helping.  However, I was still feeling some anxiety here and there.  (I think I will always feel some anxiety here and there because of the trauma I have faced.)  After a recent anxiety attack, I decided to try yoga.  I had wanted to try yoga for years.  So I tried it.  I started doing yoga regularly over two months ago.  I still haven't reached my goal of doing it daily, but I try.  I would say I am doing it four days a week now, though I am aiming for five.  I have one day that seems nearly impossible due to my busy schedule.  I will know I have achieved yoga greatness (ha) when I start squeezing it into that busy day. 

Since starting yoga, I have not had any anxiety.  None. 

 Coincidence? 

I don't know.  I just know that Yoga makes me feel the best I have felt in awhile. 

It's Hard to think of Good Stuff

When I do think of good stuff, I feel guilty.  When I forget to be sad, I'm sadder. 

Here's good stuff:

Nolan was such a precious child, easy baby, good helper, loving, kind.

Liam continues to be fiery, spirited, loving.

Ciara is tenderhearted, a good helper, loving. 

Logan is sweet, loves to help, creative, loving.

Ella is a spitfire who brings laughter to me on sad days. 

There's good stuff even now.  I just have a hard time rectifying it with my grief.